Networking 101: How to Survive When You’d Rather Be in Witness Protection

Networking 101: How to Survive When You’d Rather Be in Witness Protection Ah, networking—the thing all business experts swear is the golden ticket to success. They say it’s essential for business growth, your career, and your social life. They tell you to go out there and “make connections” and “put yourself out there,” like it’s as easy as ordering a coffee. But for those of us with social anxiety, let’s be real: it’s more like signing up for public humiliation. Networking? I’d rather just, you know, NOT. Let’s break it down. In theory, networking should be simple: you meet people, you talk about your work, you hand out some business cards, maybe you even “circle back” on LinkedIn (which is a place I’d love to avoid entirely if I could). But when you’ve got social anxiety, there’s a lot more at stake than just a few handshakes and name exchanges. Networking Events: Or as I Call Them, My Own Personal Hell Let’s start with the classic networking event. It’s usually held in some stuffy hotel ballroom or a too-loud bar. You walk in, feeling like every eye is on you—even though, in reality, no one probably even noticed you come in. The anxiety creeps in as you spot the clusters of people who already know each other, effortlessly laughing and chatting as if they do this for fun. Meanwhile, I’m over here, sweating and mentally reviewing everything I’m NOT supposed to do. Don’t fidget. Don’t overthink it. Don’t talk too much. Don’t stand in a corner. Just be natural. BE NATURAL?! That phrase alone makes me want to curl up in a ball and pretend my car broke down. Next, we have the dreaded small talk. Small talk with strangers is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded while holding a live ferret. People who are good at small talk are like wizards to me. They’re out there discussing the weather, their favorite TED Talks, and somehow managing to insert subtle-but-important hints about their accomplishments without sounding like they’re bragging. And then there’s me. I’m standing there, desperately thinking of something—anything—to say, while praying they don’t notice how badly I want to vanish into thin air. “So… been to any good dentist appointments lately?” or “Did you also skip breakfast out of sheer panic?” The beauty of social anxiety is that I start obsessing over every single thing I’ve said as soon as it leaves my mouth. I could tell someone “Nice to meet you” and immediately wonder if they think I’m plotting their demise. Another classic part of networking: the business card exchange. Here’s a fun fact: I can never figure out the “right” moment to hand over my card. If I do it too soon, I worry I seem like a desperate infomercial. If I wait too long, the moment slips away, and suddenly we’re awkwardly reaching for the door at the same time. Do I hand it to them now or wait until we’ve discussed our life goals, favorite movies, and the mysteries of the universe? And let’s talk exit strategies. Once I’ve managed a “successful” conversation (read: I survived), I immediately want to leave. But no one tells you how to gracefully bow out. What’s the socially acceptable way to end the convo and slink off without looking rude? Personally, I want to clap my hands together, shout “nailed it!” and run for the door, but apparently, that’s “not professional.” So, I end up awkwardly muttering something about “circling back” or worse, hoping they turn away first so I can bolt. Despite all my self-doubt and dread, every now and then, networking actually works. I stumble into a conversation with someone who gets it, someone who makes it feel less like work and more like a genuine connection. Maybe they’ve also got social anxiety and give me the “I know, right?” look, or they make a joke about their own discomfort. Suddenly, I’m not sweating anymore. I’m just talking, and it’s… almost fun? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying networking has suddenly become my favorite activity, but in those rare moments, I get it. I get why they say it’s essential. Will I ever be one of those effortless networkers who floats through a room with poise and confidence? Probably not. But every once in a while, even if it’s absolute torture at the time, I come away with a connection that’s actually valuable. And, on those rare occasions, I can even laugh at myself a little. For all my fellow social anxiety warriors out there, just know you’re not alone. If you’re surviving networking events one painfully awkward conversation at a time, you’re doing great. You don’t have to be a networking ninja to make it in business—just showing up and trying your best is enough. And if all else fails? There’s always LinkedIn.